William Daniell - Eddystone Lighthouse During A Storm

So, You Say You’re Unbothered?


So, You Say You’re Unbothered?

People who are unbothered remain unmoved regardless of the chaos surrounding them, very much like a lighthouse in a storm.

Tenaja Ansar Seelowe, 8 May 2020

We all like to pretend that situations don’t get under our skin, that the things people say to or about us don’t hurt, that obstacles set in our paths by others mean nothing, and the fact that someone would even try to interfere with our happiness or success doesn’t hurt. It’s considered weak to admit to emotional injury, anger, or sadness about the things that other people do to us. Any sign of weakness in front of the wrong people can cause them to target us as well or make things even more difficult down the line. Nobody likes a person who they perceive to be vulnerable. So we go about our lives in a state of constant performance, portraying ourselves as unbothered, uncaring, made of stone. We refuse to be called “victim” and sometimes will go so far as to pretend that tragedies that happened to us, never even happened at all. We take no ownership of the pain or injury and therefore cannot be held accountable for addressing it.

There’s only one teeny weeny little problem with this way of thinking and moving through the world. Just a minor tiny little problem:


How do I know that it’s bullshit, you ask? Allow me to outline some tell-tale signs that you really are bothered.

  1. People who are unbothered do not have to tell anyone that they are unbothered …because they are unbothered!
  2. People who are unbothered remain unmoved regardless of the chaos surrounding them, very much like a lighthouse in a storm.
    • A lighthouse isn’t mad at the weather, it doesn’t cuss at the waves or the rain. It stands there, firmly but quietly doing its job and minding its business no matter what.
    • Regardless of whether the sun is shining and the sea is calm or if there is a hurricane swirling all around, the lighthouse does what it is supposed to do and nothing else.
  3. They don’t have any desire to speak about the situation.
    • There’s no need to post on social media about how they don’t care about x, y, or z or get in a chat/call and announce it.
    • They see no need to try to figure out who, what, when, where, or why the other person did anything and will not waste time speaking with anyone about it.
    • Folks who are unbothered don’t waste time gossiping or trying to spread rumors.
    • They will not entertain others when they try to bring those conversations up.
  4. They are not concerned with what the other person/people are doing now.
    • They are not snooping to find out what the other person/people are doing or who they are doing it with.
    • They are not bothered by others’ successes or failures.
  5. They know Kharma/the universe/etc. will handle what needs to be handled without any help from them.
    • They also understand that injecting themselves into Kharma’s business can make Kharma turn her gaze in their direction and ain’t NOBODY got time for that!

Pretending that something isn’t bothering us is a defense and I get it. I do it too! But at the end of the day, it is pretense. Any and all pretense takes us further away from the truth. The further away we are from our truth, the more difficult life becomes, the harder it becomes to find and maintain our path towards success and happiness. So be bothered if that is what you are. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not weak to admit that something hurt you. It’s weak to pretend it didn’t hurt just to appease some weird social norm that some asswipe decided was best a hundred years ago. It’s weak to refuse the truth when it’s looking you dead in the face and asking for your help to heal. It’s weak to try to bring others down or cause them harm because you are hurting even if they are the ones who caused you pain. It’s strength that allows us to acknowledge that we are feeling and emotional beings. It takes strength to allow yourself to be bothered. Just don’t stay bothered so long that you miss out on the life that will continue on its path with or without you. Sit and stay in your truth, acknowledging it fully, giving it the time it needs to heal, and eventually it will change.

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