This week has been a particularly hard week for me emotionally. Those of you who know me, know that I am a very open person. I don’t mind sharing the things that I go through, no matter how hard. In fact, I feel like it’s important for people to share because we never know how the things we share may help someone else or cause someone else to be able to help us. With that said, let me begin my ramblings. 🙂
Backstory: When I was younger, there was a man who was originally a friend and coworker of my father who I would come to call my uncle. After my parents divorced, this man began to date my mom and their relationship lasted for decades. I was what people sometimes call a “daddy’s girl”. So when this man started coming around, I latched on to him. He became a father figure. We became extremely close. I won’t go into all of the details as to why but for several reasons he became someone that I turned to a lot for emotional support. He became a safe place for me. In a world that I felt didn’t understand me, I thought that he did. In fact, when I attempted suicide, he was the one that saved me. I would not be alive today, if it were not for this man.
You may or may not be familiar with the concept of repressed memories. If you search it, you’ll find the concept is controversial. I can tell you from personal experience, repressed memories are very real. “Repressed memories… are those you unconsciously forget. These memories generally involve some kind of trauma or a deeply distressing event.” according to Healthline. Just over a year ago, for no reason that I know of, I began having memories of times when this man molested me. It turned my entire world upside down in a very real way both internally and within my family. I was so upset that I entered into a Sexual Abuse and Molestation Therapy program which I have been in ever since. Recently, in order to try to help me deal with the trauma of these memories, I began Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. This process involves bringing up a visualization of a memory in the mind and through stimulation retraining the brain to associate the memory with more positive. I have found EMDR to be very difficult but rewarding. It’s hard to dig up memories that I have buried for such a long time and relive those moments.
This week during my appointment, my therapist wanted to “address” my first memory of abuse by my “uncle”. Unfortunately, because it was so traumatic, I wasn’t able to resolve the memory in the session. The memory sent me into an emotional tailspin even though my therapist tried really hard for it not to. I was emotionally stuck in a hamster wheel of anger, sadness, confusion, guilt, shame, rinse, and repeat. I found myself crying spontaneously and uncontrollably throughout the next couple of days.
The trauma of having someone I have loved deeply, purely and trusted completely with my life since I was 4 years old, use me for their sexual pleasure and manipulate me into believing that’s what love is, (“If a man loves you, this is how he’ll treat you.” was something he said to me over and over and in many different ways) is incredibly damaging. When I first began having the memories, I contacted him and asked him about them. The response, from the man who claimed to love me more than any other man ever could was to say that if I ever told anyone he would hold me up by my neck and “squeeze until piss runs down your leg and life flees your body.” It has broken my heart.
I have no real point to this post. I’m just expressing myself and getting out some of the heartache that I am going through. That’s all. If you are comfortable sharing your story or if you know of some resources regarding this topic, please feel free to comment below. <3
If you or someone you know is a victim of molestation or sexual assualt, I encourage you to seek emotional support for your trauma. Below are a few resources.
- National Sexual Assault Hotline: National hotline, operated by RAINN, that serves people affected by sexual violence. It automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search your local center here. Hotline: 800.656.HOPE
- National Sexual Violence Resource Center: This site offers a wide variety of information relating to sexual violence including a large legal resource library.
- National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence hosts a resource library home of thousands of materials on violence against women and related issues, with particular attention to its intersections with various forms of oppression.
- Stop It Now: Provides information to victims and parents/relatives/friends of child sexual abuse. The site also has resources for offender treatment as well as information on recognizing the signs of child sexual abuse. Hotline: 888-PREVENT (773.8368)