Be The Love You Say You Want


Love is not 50/50, it is 100/100.

Note: In the following post, I use heterosexual pronouns because that is the viewpoint from which I am writing; however, the concept is universal and interchangeable no matter the type of relationship.

As women, a lot of times we set ourselves HIGH on a pedestal as a prize to be won, a goal for whom our lovers should strain to reach. No doubt, “A good woman… is worth far more than diamonds...” as the Bible says. But sometimes we can go too far and instead become an obstacle our partners must overcome.

I scroll through my Facebook news feed and there is never a lack of quotes or pictures saying “A Real Man should…” or “If he loves you he will…” I hate to break it to some of y’all, but the responsibility of making a relationship work, of building a good life together and raising a family doesn’t lie squarely on his shoulders alone. It is the responsibility of both of you! How can a king rule a kingdom if he is constantly being emotionally and mentally drained by his “queen”, if he’s constantly having to clean up your mess and deal with your drama, or if he knows that when he comes home he’s going to have to fight you just as hard as he did while he was out there trying to conquer the world because his “queen” is doesn’t believe she has to contribute and make his home a place of peace and rest?

Now, here’s where I’m going to lose a lot of you if I haven’t already: Not every woman is or ever will be a queen and therefore not every woman deserves to be treated as such. I’m not going to go into what my views are as far as what it means to be a true queen to a man because that is a whole post in and of itself but for now, I will just equate the word “queen” to be synonymous with “an ideal female partner”.

Every woman has the potential to be a queen, but not every woman can or will be. Just like every man is not a king and doesn’t deserve to be given the same deference a king would receive. Ladies, if we know in our hearts that we are not willing or able, for whatever reason, to give ourselves fully and completely to another human being, to submit ourselves to the work of being another human being’s peace, providing a place for him to escape all the issues and stresses that come with his life, to happily become his friend, lover, diary, adviser, sounding board, fan, accountant, teacher, student, doctor, psychologist, strategist, freak and trusted representative then how can we ever dare to demand he sit us next to him on the throne HE fights to maintain and struggles to expand every day?? His throne may only be a one-room studio apartment on the bad side of town, he may barely be able to keep the lights on in it now or it may be a sprawling mansion in a gated community, in any case, why would he want YOU to rule over it with him? Look at yourselves and honestly ask “Would I want me by my side if I were him? Would I trust me with everything I know and own, to represent me in every situation whether I am present or not, would I give me the keys to this kingdom if I were him?”

We all want someone who is willing to take care of all of our material, emotional, sexual, and spiritual needs but what are WE doing to deserve a man like that??? We want him to hand over his hard-earned money so that we can have the latest styles in our closets and look good on his arm but we’re not willing to make sure the man gets a decent meal when he gets home from earning that money??  We want him to be faithful to us but are we willing to fulfill ALL of his needs and desires as much as possible to help him in the struggles inevitably arise?  

I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to be the partner/lover/spouse that we claim we want. We have to be willing to play our part in things, be his eye candy, be his peace, be his confidant, be his fantasy, take care of him the way we want him to take care of us. Far too many of us don’t understand that. Nothing in life is free! You MUST give in order to receive. If there’s something we want from our partner, we must be willing to give it.

“Don’t be a nickel looking for a dime.” 
Lyfe Jennings, Statistics

That thing between your legs may be great, but every other woman on the planet has one and I guarantee you somebody has some that’s better than yours. By itself, sex will never be enough to gain a permanent public place in a good man’s life. It’s just as simple as that. If sex is all you are willing or able to give him then be okay with whatever you receive in return, play your position or as I’ve said before “Get in the back seat and shut the hell up.” Don’t try to demand to be treated as though you are bringing something important to the table. We tell men they have to buy the table, carry it in the house himself, put it together, clean it, earn the money to buy the food, cook the food, set the table, serve the food and then after all that we have the audacity to get mad when the man doesn’t pull out the chair for us to sit at that table??? Why should he??

In the past, I have asked for a lot and given very little. I realize now that in order to receive what I want I have to be willing to give it FIRST. If a king is what I truly want, then I need to aspire to be and do my best to fill the role of a queen. I have to be willing to show my man that I deserve that place in his life, that I am a woman worth having and treasuring and that the relationship we have is one worth fighting to protect and maintain.

I guard him against the disrespect of others. I listen. I choose my battles more wisely. It’s less about me and more about us. I do what I can and try to reciprocate whatever I am given. I hand him any part of me emotionally, mentally and physically that he asks for with an open and happy heart. I trust his word and do not allow my own insecurities to tell me that something deserves suspicion without cause. When I feel insecure or need an explanation, I am respectfully open and honest with him about it. When he needs me beside him, I am there. When he needs me behind him, I humble myself and step back. I make sure that at all points in time he knows that he is the captain of this ship. I never emasculate him or disrespect his position in my life or in this relationship.

That’s My 2 Cents. Give me yours below!

About Tenaja

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